Saturday, July 22, 2006

moments before

the time is drawing nigh. and thoughts of todd rush on me like a torrent. i'm so glad for this walk- we needed to do something and i know none of the preparation of weeks previous will bring him back. i still grieve him. even now.

even in the deepest and darkest moments of life i think the most profoundly sad ones are when i perceive i am all alone in my circumstance or situation. there are definitely some dark ones i can point to- my parent's demise of their marriage, the subsequent divorce, watching my grandmother die, then my 19 year old cousin david as his life force ebbed away, leaving a shell in its stead. i mourn all these things. and yet there is power in knowing none of these moments was traversed through alone. my faith in God really did sustain and carry me through them- i had such a physical sense of His presence in the hospital room in corpus christi, hunched down on the floor of the "guest room" they had set up for us, as we waited, as the decision was made to turn off david's machine. to have to walk through each of those things without God would have been crippling.

i understand so much that for people who are not christian, they perceive we christians wanting to talk about our relationship with God as being too intrusive, and i know people who have abused that right to talk about God as power to be lorded over others. for me, i just want the people i love to know the hope that comes from God. where He tells us "Never will I leave you nor forsake you..." the hardest moments in life become endurable. we become able to heal and help others heal. and i want to be a conduit of healing in this broken and hurting world that in spite of all the technology, money and knowledge still inflicts and perpetuates pain.

tonight is going to be powerful. the past few weeks i've gone on training walks, i have met amazing, incredible people who have lost husbands, friends, sons and daughters to suicide as well as survivors of suicide. there might be brief introductions of small talk but it always comes back to why we are walking. i feel released to talk about todd and extend the same freedom to my walking companion. one woman i met last week lost her husband to suicide by hanging himself four years ago. she has borne the secret of his death these four long years, protecting her children from the truth. her eyes gave away the depth of her fatigue. i am encouraged by new friends who though attempting to take their own lives, lived and because of this walk have felt released to tell their closest family members and friends of that moment years ago. i look forward to the freedom to mourn and celebrate with these new friends tonight as we humble, non-super-athletes take on a huge challenge. if you pray, please pray for us, that we might be a beacon of God's light shining in the darkness.

there is strength in a chain link fence where each of the individual pieces has a gigantic hole in the middle of them but when attached to multiple other pieces makes a tenaciously firm wall.


Post a Comment

<< Home