Wednesday, October 26, 2005

shards of the broken

my friend jack said in low tones tonight that he wanted to kill himself.

my roll-down curtain rolled all the way up this morning and upon trying to pull it back down, somehow the fact that i'm 5'2 did not register in my napoleonic brain and i fell off the window ledge into my floor lamp, which blacked out, as the sound of breaking glass echoed in the newly brought on darkness.

i fumbled on the ground with a slight glow from the hallway, looking to pick up the pieces of what used to be such a nice lamp, but now appears to have some connection to the halloween holiday, with its jagged tooth of a shade.

downstairs, i told larissa what had happened, how i needed to throw the lamp away. what a pity it was. it had always been a good lamp. no, it would not fit in the garbage. oh, true, i could unscrew the different parts of it and squeeze those into bags. but such chagrin settling inside me. such malcontent about the way it had all gone down. even as i looked at 6'2 kelly standing in our kitchen, thinking in hindsight, how i should have waited and asked for help instead of shouldering on alone, the rugged individualist, able to do it myself.

i went back upstairs and spent a good moment thinking things over in the w.c. realizing the cover on the lamp really had nothing to do with its ability to function. into the closet, my hand searched for a new bulb, which once screwed in, and then lamp turned on gave a decent glow once more to the room.

except now there's a gash, where once there was wholeness. there are several jagged edges and somewhat opaque pieces on my grey carpeting. as i picked them up, i turned the good side of the lamp toward me, ashamed that i had considered throwing the whole away when just a part had been afflicted and damaged. thinking of jack and hoping he can see that the affliction and damage within him can be mended too. that one day, he will shine his light brightly. that there is light underneath the wreckage, it just needs a new cover. that he might have openness and willingness to replace the former with the new. and realize life can still hold good things and fresh starts at 48.


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