en route

i leave for new york tomorrow.

and somehow i think i'm ready for snow and sleet. i need to feel something different than the malaise accompanying the frosty schizophrenic sunshine tainted with rain here. in the span of 48 hours alone: i have a friend dealing with identity theft, another breaking up with her longterm boyfriend, a friend's grandfather who unexpectedly died today, another friend in a car accident- too much more to delineate. i need some quiet, some centering, if you will. i need an empty, disconnected hotel room, in which i can create lines of words and imbue them with the meaning that is rightly theirs. i need to stop reading old emails...

i love plane rides. i do some of my most lucid thinking on them and God always says something i've been avoiding or unaware is around the bend. perhaps it's that besides the hum of the motor outside my window, all is still and quiet. i am still and quiet.

last night my sleep was tormented by a figment of my imagination and i wrestled him out of my head by waking myself up. tomorrow night in a hotel bed and a city where scant amounts of people know me i can walk the streets anonymously, enshrouded by my burnt orange coat with the shearling collar, dark as sable. in those moments of inflaming chill, perhaps my heart can thaw and i can let myself feel all this acutely, instead of unconsciously insulating myself from the reality of it all.

a friend at work today observed that it seems like my life is being cleansed. i would tend to agree and so i should continue shouldering forward, when what i seem to be stuck in asking is "why" knowing i may not get an answer, but asking the question anyway. i hope to banish the figment of my imagination, at least tonight from re-entering my sleep.