Monday, January 29, 2007

It had to be (part one)

Doing the right thing feels good all the time right? Um kind of. As veiled as I would want to be, I feel that would confound the things I want to say.

I told my bosses two days ago that I want to step down from my job. By no means is this me "quitting the company" but I felt that given the sales goals we have for this year, we need someone to step into my job that has the clout / degree / experience / contacts and can forge that new path for us. It also means that I need my space for creative energy and things like homework, mulling over a poem for an hour in the evening and not feeling like it's wasted time when I should be working.

Today, it hit me. Crap. What did I do?! I just gave up a job I love and hate and resent and am thrilled by and am good at all in one fell swoop. I have enjoyed building the brand and shaping, refining it and creating new angles and products. It has been a blast. And all in the matter of a few short minutes, it has been undone, but it was coming to this. How could it not? As I mentioned to Jill, I am an artist, not a marketing maven in the way that they would need at this stage for the anticipated growth.

It took a lot of cajones to do this and I sought the reflection of several wise people in my life and God gave me peace about it along with visible representations of His provision. Faith is unseen, but I really like to see the chair that I am about to sit into, the road I am about to walk on.

Even for one like me who has a high need for change, it can be sad and a little scary. I get to now watch someone else take the company to new heights and it's not me. But as I was talking to my Dad, the engineer, tonight, it became clear that he and I share this in common: we both lay a firm foundation upon which other people will design and build. And at this point we watch and advise as needed, but our pens are now off the page. I love that both my bosses are adamant about me staying on, and looking for the right job I could step into. I feel vulnerable right now, which I'm choosing to funnel into my poetry, though my ego was massaged when Jill said the other day, "just think you didn't have any background training in marketing and look what you've accomplished- do you ever pinch yourself?" I am now.


Blogger katy said...

!!!!!!!!!!!!! *pinch* !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

11:10 PM  
Blogger Virginia Miller said...

Wow - this is an intense step and a bold one. Proud of you - and can't wait to see what kind of space it makes in your life for poetry and freedom. What a blessing to have their support and value of you without moving to the next level in sales - and what a good sacrifice to give yourself the time you need.

2:44 PM  

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