class 0916: discovery 101

i am going through this explorative phase of life right now.

it's like i'm a kid all over again and actively seeking out things i was never sure i would be good at. and it all began so innocently. so benignly. really.

i was at a party a few weeks ago that a new friend was throwing in his big ol' pac heights house. i went with katy and neither of us knew anyone else there. so we mingled, met a few people and finally stood in a corner, me looking at his collection of books on the shelf (owing to my belief that you can tell a lot by a person based on seeing what they read) and katy assessing the extensive decorative plate ensemble on the wall. at this point, i really didn't feel like walking up to another random person, when in came several friends from grad school, a few of them that i hadn't seen in a while. one of them was quite the wild child and briefly after entering the room started dancing in the back where we stood. after a little while i started bobbing to the sound of the beat until all of us were dancing.

and i danced on. and on, late into the evening. i couldn't recollect when before dancing had felt so freeing, made me feel so alive. maybe it was the stress at work that i had endured for weeks leading up to the party, but i danced like no one was watching- least of all my new friend.
what a great feeling! i felt this connection with my dad as i danced, thinking how this part of him that is part of me and has been tucked away for so long came to the surface on the dance floor. almost as if it would have made him proud to see me dancing. which as i will blog later, he actually commented on... by the end of the evening, i couldn't remember having had so much fun or laughing quite as much.

three days later i found myself going to my first samba dance class at my gym. and laughing. sometimes out loud at myself. specifically at finding i had rhythm at times i wouldn't have expected and realizing it's not always all that perfect. but it was fun. our instructor "samba doug" would let out a squeal from time to time, as if emitting vocally the joy his body felt physically.

the next day was a hip hop dance class with jose. so much fun. still a little shaky in my rhythms. but loving every minute. even when we all slam down into the ground in unison. he's such a great teacher.

i haven't taken dance since i was in junior high, when i loved to dance but knew i wouldn't be the top pupil, might not have the best memory retention in my feet and legs, didn't look super-cute in leotards... and yet what a different place this is for me.

it's like i had to overcome this obstacle I SET in my mind.

"oh i'll never try that because i might not be good at it."
"oh it's too late to do such and such."
"i wish i had played soccer as a kids."

it doesn't matter if i mess up, i keep going. i don't have that lovely junior high self-image and mental tape running in my head anymore. i can fail and fall down and get bruised and still be just as precious in the eyes of God. because in the end i want to live life to the absolute fullest sans regret.